You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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