the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
