A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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