I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
