There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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