Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
