last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
