I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
