I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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