wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
