just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
