that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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