there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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