she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
