Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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