Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
