life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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