lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
