i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
