i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
