i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
