In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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