I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
