Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
