Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
