They should really pass out barf bags in church
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Operation Purity has been aborted
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
