remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
