He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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