Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize