are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
