2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
