Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
