True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
