1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think my mom watched the whole time
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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