I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
