Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
