True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
