Soap is not a condiment
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize