The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
