So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
