You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
