He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
