so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
