he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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