I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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