Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize