Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Text me some of your sweat
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
