You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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