He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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