Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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