dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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