I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
