i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
