how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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