But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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