The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
