Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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