I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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