if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
