hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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