a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
